I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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