i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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