How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
