who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Randomize
