All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
