Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
