dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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