I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
too bad you live with your parents still
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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