just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
