i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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