I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
