i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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