I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
