I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
