i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
you had me at cake vodka
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
