im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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