Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
