I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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