I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
