so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
