In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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