I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.