My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
