Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
my shit smells like andre
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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