I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
