so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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