Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
