There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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