My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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