hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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