Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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