He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
