It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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