Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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