her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
