last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
