$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
