i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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