If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
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I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
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I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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