I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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