Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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