i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
it's like iHOP with fire
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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