Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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