Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
