If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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