turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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