Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
