we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
