i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
