i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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