Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
