help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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