I wish life had little blips of pornography
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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