Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
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Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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