If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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