Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
